Overwhelming Sorrow

I was scrolling down Jenny's page trying to play catch up and read her Sadness post... weeeelll

To put it simply I'm a very strong guy. I don't mean physically, although among my peers I'm only matched by my friends who took judo, or jujitsu, taekwondo, or simply work out, I mean I am emotionally and mentally strong. Now ever dam will break eventually as water does its thing. Its only natural. I am also a very sensitive guy but I keep it all together. I can put on a great facade :).

Now mind you it is very uncommon for me to be filled with sadness, or overwhelmed by sorrow. The only times I can remember shedding any tears over the last 5 years are when I experienced my first failed relationship... I was head over heels for that girl :P... when my uncle died... I only shed a single tear. When my mother gave my dog that I had as my best friend for 7 years to the humane society because of some things that went down with the poor creature. Oh how I loved that dog. And once again when my last relationship also failed. thats a total of 4 maybe 5 times... only once a year. 

The thing is... just as any dam will break some day... My dam is very large and holds alot of water. When that thing finally cracks it is just a torrent. Now I'm sure this is because I hold everything in and I know its not a good thing.... but I've been adapting my view on life and the world it seems that I even need to hold anything in anymore. I'm just rarely affected anymore. These last 2 years have changed me in ways that even I don't understand

... but last night... I walked into work completely fine. I clocked in did some dishes and started thinking. I practically meditate when I'm at work lol. I just sit and think about EVERYTHING. Well there have been some events in my life involving some people close to me... I've developed some views on religion, life, the human race... all that jibber jabber..., well something specific happened two nights ago that kind of put things into a really bad perspective for me. It was like some hidden lake from deep within held up by high walls on all sides was trying to crash down all around me.

I couldn't let this happen... I was at work for christ sake. I had a job to do. I JUST CLOCKED IN! It was a late shift to boot and there was work to be done D8<. I didn't shed one tear last night even though I battled with this lake for a good hour. I know I am supposed to let these emotions out but the fact that the things I was even thinking about actually affected me is almost repulsive to me in some ways.... to be honest I think I may be a schizo because I care about people, I'm a giver. I could get into a huge speel on psycology and how I am always giving and blah blah blah but at the same time I've recently developed a very negative view. Its a belief that nothing matters. people don't matter, live die, its all the same. Its all the same in the fact that I don't believe it could matter. This is a multi hour long conversation mind you and it is not meant to be spoken via text... theres just too much. Too many thoughts to be portrayed by our languages. The english language can not comprehend the things that go on in my mind. 

Point is that I too was very sad recently and I am not entirely sure why it came upon me like it did... why it came out of no where with full force like a sledge hammer just whacking away at my thoughts. I couldn't escape it.. Some very dark things were thought last night, things I know better than to think. I will make it through this program a better man. I will be strong. 

One day I will conquer my mind body and soul. When that day comes, nothing will stop me.